i havent been writing much because of one reason. my MATRIARCH.

i am not allowed to use the computer often, even if its barely used.

nothing has been happening lately. except that we went to vigan for a few weeks to visit a few relatives.

for one thing, i did meet someone. he is close to my heart and keeping me sane. we met on a sunday. when the skies shone too bright and the sinners prayed in their cemented sanctuary, while kneeling on the wooden pews to save themselves from their impending hell. he was smoking outside and taking photographs of the sky and I was there watching him. ive never seen him before in the village church. we made eye contact and immediately he handed out his cigarette and i puffed once and returned it. he smoked it and took a picture of me. we smiled at each other and he asked me my name. i gave him my real name and he said his name was joachim. he is now my dark angel joachim with his dark lined eyes and tousled hair. we meet every sunday when the parentals are in church with marilyn. the reason why they don't let stay inside the santuario is because matriarch dosent want her kasosyo to see me, her pathetic excuse for a daughter.

joachim passes by the house at times whenever mother isnt around. we usually talk outside and take a short drive to manila polo where he dwells on his obsession of horses.

he is my angel. my angel joachim...

singapore was boring. though it had occured to me that had we gone to thailand... i would have died or something. though I doubt that since if we did go to thailand it would be shopping all day long, away from the shorelines. but i've never been to thailand anyway, it's always singapore, malaysia and hongkong. because the only thing my maternal and sibilng expertise on in shopping.

my mother and mal went nuts shopping as usual. they wanted to go to hongkong instead to go nightshopping in monkok. but father insisted that we went to singapore instead since it's quieter there. i was in the hotel most of the time sleeping...

there were many times when people talked to me in chinese. i look chinese but i cant speak a word of chinese and i have no intention to.

out of my one week stay i did not take one single picture, ok maybe of my ipod. i took a picture of my ipod. one picture. i didn't even have a picture with the snake in the zoo...

i got my ipod for christmas. i know people drool at the idea of owning an ipod but i have nothing to do with it. people will kill for one but since i dont have internet access or the chance to use the computer to put songs in it, its useless. i cant download songs i like and i don't know how to rip songs from cds. but im lucky i have my friend henri. he put about a hundred songs and some of my favorite songs from sisters of mercy, bauhaus, diary of dreams, the damned, shriekback, march violets, and... more. i just kept listening to "she's in parties". henri did in fact put some goth metal and i seriously cannot understand the way people believe that it it even related to goth, so i deleted all those lacuna coil and other goth-metal bands he put in. sometimes he can be such a pain, a good friend, but a pain.

it hurts me to see "goth" people. i know i am labeled as one but if i have to share the label with the little ones i doubt id want a label at all. actually i dont want to be labelled at all. it hurts me that they relate their gothness to ethereal goth and goth doom metal and disregard the mothers and fathers of goth. hey, im not the authority in goth but i do have strong feelings about this, especially against the fashion goths. they goth-metal people even believe they have some magick wand that they can wave around and call people posers just because they look goth and listen to goth-metal a lot. stop the act and look at yourself. dont get me wrong though, i do have my dying bride and some but its because sometimes when you download things by genre it just happens to be in included in goth. i didnt know the band so i downloaded it, it wasnt bad. but it isnt goth. im a purist, so hate me.

returning to the topic of my new year vacation in a foreign land. I kept myself busy in the hotel while everyone was gone, mostly i spent it looking at the marina bay or reading a book in the jacuzzi and collecting all the soaps and shampoos issued by the hotel. they changed it everyday anyway. i dont think its rude to give away standard issue hotel bath things for christmas, it's bvlgari anyway so who gives a damn at least i gave gifts.

i didnt spend a single cent of my christmas money. i plan to save for my own computer. if mother sees that i spent my money for it, she has no say about it. i think a computer can actually save me.

although the ipod was expensive and i didn't want one, it was a perfect device that saved me from the unjoyous holiday spirit. i think with the ipod, i'll be able to survive longer.

serrated edges of the dagger sodden blood
stabbed and wrenched across the heart of mine
blood percolates through my mortal flesh
though my soul remains untainted and divine

finally, the internet. i wrote most of this in my school notebook for the last few days of not having internet access. no longer does my black leatherbound diary lure me to write on it... marilyn's hands and eyes have molested it... my notes are safe from the prying hands of that wretched person...

my mother does not permit me to go online as much. shes complaining that my grades are going down. it's her fault anyway, always locking me up like some kind of freak. complaining that i keep on wearing black and i wear too much necklaces and bracelets. this is who i am. this is how i express myself!

i hate my school. the mention of the school gives me the creeps. no matter how saintly the school's name is, its a blasphemous hoax. god this god that when their idiot minds are so narrow. every thing is evil! i hate my batchmates too. future popstars, artistas and rich kids... unaware of the hatred that lurks in this world... too busy couting their money to realize the pains and sufferings the world brings to everyone... too nonchalant to see the darkness of the world they are in, blinded by the flashes of the camera... busy buying clothes and appearing in magazines...

my sister marilyn feels she's so pretty... she wasn't even popular when she graduated from that putrid school... she feels like it though, her clothing preference was that stupid school uniform after coming from school and made friends with the popular people and even visited the dead's wake... the school uniform to her was a status symbol, the schools name emblazoned on the blouse and the long plaid skirt and her classmates who were destined to be boob-jobed pornostars in the end... she keeps on buying miniskirts, her fat legs wont even squeeze into them... she keeps on barging in my room when i'm doing something and even goes inside my bathroom because she's looking for something... i hate her... i her her very existence... the thought of us having the same blood running through our separate veins place hatred inside my already hate-filled heart...

when will this hatred end?

i stare at the green lines
embedded on my wrist
i hold the dagger with the right
and the left, i slit

the outlines were green
and the dagger was cold
but red came out
and warmth unfold

the darknes is closer
the cold crawls on my toes
the blood gushing through me
delivers me from my woes

i feel lightweight
drifting into a dream
and the liquid from my flesh
surrounds me like a stream

burdens are lifted
and sorrows flee
as my body removes
all that poisons me